Up until this morning, I would’ve told you there’s no such thing as “too much technology.” After reading an article about Texas A&M’s specially-designed new uniforms, however, I am ready to change my stance.

Designed to match the look of the Aggies’ 1956 uniforms—an undefeated, Southwest Conference Championship-winning season—the team’s new kits are marvels of modern sports uniform technology. Which is a thing.

“A Cutting-Edge, Proprietary Yarn Blend”

The above phrase appeared, verbatim, in the article that shifted the very bedrock of my being. It was not published by The Onion. Apparently, that “cutting-edge, proprietary yarn blend” (again, a phrase written by a real journalist) is engineered for greater durability and better abrasion resistance.

What that real journalist doesn’t specify, however, is: “greater” and “better” than what? It doesn’t mention if these properties are in comparison with modern football uniforms—which would be pretty impressive—or in comparison to regular yarn—which would be much less impressive.

Clearly, this stuff is not your everyday, Grandma’s-knitting-you-a-sweater-out-of-it yarn. While standard Jo-Ann Fabrics yarn would seem to be one of the worst possible materials to make sports uniforms out of, the Aggies’ unis are being constructed of far finer stuff. There’s no mention of what exactly is blended into the Cutting-Edge Proprietary Yarn Blend, but the material, is said to “keep players cool and [increase] range of motion,” to give Texas A&M’s players “unrivaled comfort and [allow] them to perform at their highest levels.” That’s how you yarn, bro. That’s how you f*©%ing yarn.
Retro Looks, Advanced Technology

For many sports uniform designers, working with a Cutting-Edge Proprietary Yarn Blend would be more than enough technology for one kit. Not so for the good people at Adidas and Hydro Graphics, Inc., makers of the new Texas A&M uniforms and helmets, respectively.

Adidas’ jerseys include something they call the “padlock system,” which is designed to keep a player’s jersey stretched tightly across his shoulder pads, as well as “bodymap” tailoring that helps mold the uniform to the player’s body shape. Both of these features are intended to make it harder for opponents to grab hold of the jersey and make tackling the Aggies more difficult—with science!

As of this writing, there is still no cure for cancer.