Google Enabling ‘Merica’s Fatness, Laziness

Godsd@mm!t, Google, you’re not helping. A new feature in Google’s mobile search app allows users to not only find nearby (or farby) restaurants, but also to initiate an online order right from the search results. We, as a collective nation, are overweight and lazy enough as it is, Google—we don’t need anyone making it easier for us to stuff our fat faces.

Convenience Will Be the Death of Us

Don’t get me wrong, the Google search app is a helluva thing, and it certainly makes life easier for anyone who uses it. What’ll the weather be like tomorrow? Google it. How long is five kilometers in miles? Bust out the Google app. How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored? Check Google.

But making food—most likely greasy, tremendously unhealthy food—arrive at our doorstep with a few taps on the smartphone screens we already can’t be bothered to divert our attention from? That’s a level of convenience that will be the death of us all. Literally, in some cases.

And, the service isn’t limited to joints that deliver all the time, like pizza joints. No, through an agreement with six independent food delivery services (Grubhub, Eat24, the cleverly-named, and others), ‘Mericans can hog down on grub from almost any eatery they’d like.

Big ol' box o' Shake Shack.

Big ol’ box o’ Shake Shack.

The new Google feature isn’t even something users have to seek out. It appears automatically in search results. If the restaurant in question displays their menu online—which is almost all of them, at this point, because it’s 2015 for cripes’ sakes—the “Place an order” widget will pop up along with the rest of the raunt’s information.

Further Refinements Likely

It’s highly likely that Google will roll out a new and improved version of the feature as soon as they can. There are still a few areas for “improvement,” it would seem.

For example, once an order has been placed, the user still has to select which delivery provider they’d like to use. This will, of course, be too much to ask of many ‘Mericans, so, soon, Google will probably make the selection automatically—based on…gods know what. Whichever service is giving them the highest percentage of their delivery revenue, probably. (No way Google is boosting other companies’ business without getting a piece of the action themselves.)

In fact, it wouldn’t be surprising to see Google start their own delivery service, solely so they don’t have to share profits with anyone else. The days of “Don’t be evil” Google are long behind us, gang.

The new delivery feature is now available to all ‘Mericans with a smartphone. PC users are SOL.

Photo credit: travisroberts / Photo / CC BY-NC-SA

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