The essentially simultaneous rises of the internet and digital photography have led to a huge increase in customized “photo ____” products, from t-shirts featuring pics of the wearer’s own dog and blankets with family Xmas photos emblazoned upon them to custom coffee mugs, calendars, and everything in between. Although improvements in technology have made these products fairly inexpensive, companies like Shutterfly still make big money cranking them out.
For the most part, I’m on board with these custom photo products. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few of my own at home (a deck of playing cards and a set of coasters with my handsome mug on ‘em). But, as people are wont to do in this day and age, someone has finally taken it too. Dang. Far.
A Big Bag o’ Meat
You may have seen or heard of some of the crazy uniforms that minor league baseball teams don from time to time to mark special occasions or events at the ballpark. Some of them are slicker than grease, some of them are hideous abominations of (non) fashion that should be destroyed immediately. Some, of course, fall squarely betwixt. No matter how good, bad, or ugly they are, they’re all pretty impressive purely from the standpoint of textile technology.
Other sports have been partaking in the “wacky uniforms” trend as of late, with the NBA busting out special “ugly Xmas sweater” jerseys for games on Christmas Day and NFL teams regularly wearing “throwbacks” that replicate their kits of yore. A second-tier* soccer club in Spain, CD Guijuelo, recently began sporting meat-themed uniforms. That is not a typo.
While those jerseys and shorts are plenty ridiculous, I think they’re pretty gnarly, because meat, so that’s not my beef. (See what I did there?) No, the real affront to textile technology is the team’s trainer’s bag.
Every team in every sport has at least a few medical experts on hand in case of injury (the trainers do a lot more than that, too, of course), and those trainers always carry special medical bags with their doctorin’ gear in them. The trainer for CD Guijuelo carries a custom bag that looks like a ham. Also not a typo.
So, why do I take issue with the good doctor’s weird bag when I’m totally onboard with the equally weird team uniforms? Because it’s a meatbag. It #literally looks exactly like a ham. Raw meat is kind of synonymous with nasty injuries, so no athlete wants to see a doctor carrying a slab of raw meat out onto the field to tend to them when they’re down. Might as well carry a hacksaw out there, doc.
Whoever made that bag should be both incredibly proud and completely ashamed of themselves. Athletes have feelings, too, you know.
* “Second tier” in European soccer is roughly equivalent to AA or AAA minor league baseball—close to the Big Show, but not quite as good.