New App Lets Lazy Bentley Owners Control Car from Stupid Apple Watch

If you’re wealthy enough to own a Bentley Bentayga SUV and dumb enough to buy an Apple Watch and super lazy, then boy have I got news for you! A new, completely useless app, developed by the automaker itself, will allow you to control a number of your car’s functions directly from your stupid watchmotron. How is that possibly useful, you ask? That’s a very, very good question.

Why Is This A Thing?

The Bentayga app uses the car’s Bluetooth system to sync with the SUVs touchscreen remote system. Once synced*, the watch wearer can adjust the heat, A/C, and massage functions in the seats, among other non-essential operations. Users can also monitor the vehicle’s speed, distance traveled, and the temperature outside the vehicle.

So, again, how is that useful? If you’re behind the wheel of your quarter-million dollar Bentley, the watch controls are totally impractical. In that instance, it would be much easier to manage those functions manually via the touchscreen. And if you’re not driving, why are you so lazy that you can’t adjust the air conditioning yourself?

Lookit this rolling P.O.S.

Lookit this rolling P.O.S.

“What if you’re sitting in the back?” some dillweed will undoubtedly ask. Well, there’re two answers for that: 1) If it’s not your car, and you’re riding in the back, you don’t get to make the call on the A/C and heat and such. The driver should be the only one messing with that stuff (or whoever is in shotgun, but only at the driver’s request). The driver’s comfort should always be paramount. Or, 2) If you’re a rich dude getting chauffeured around, just ask your driver to adjust the heat or whatever. If you’ve got the ducats to buy a Bentley Bentyaga, surely you can pay someone enough that he won’t mind being a few degrees too chilly sometimes.**

Less Distractions = Better

However! By controlling the HVAC and such from his seat, rather than leaning forward to mess with the touchscreen junction box, the Apple Watch wearer is less distracting to the driver, which is undoubtedly a good thing.

But! This only applies if the person adjusting the Bentyaga’s gizmos with their watch is doing so at the driver’s request. It could potentially be very distracting if, say, you’re cruising through rush hour in your big fatty SUV, and suddenly the A/C starts blowing in your face. The vent blasts frigid air directly into your eye; your eye starts to water; you blink rapidly to clear it; you miss the car swerving into your lane directly ahead of you; you spot it at the last second; you hit the brakes and veer right; you get clipped by a city bus; your vehicle rolls over six times and explodes in a massive fireball; you die instantly; your glorious wreck stops traffic in both directions for over four hours. Good job, Apple Watching jerk!

* Why isn’t it “sunc”? That would be more fun.
** I’ll call you “Shirley” whenever I wish, thank you.

Photo credit: Automotive Rhythms via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

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