NC Burglar Trying to Build Iron Man Suit?

This is pure speculation on my part, but follow me here, and it will kind of make sense. A burglar (and now felon) in North Carolina made off with a bizarre haul, leading this writer (and many other folks) to wonder just what the heck he planned to do with the purloined items. The only logical explanation I can think of is that the guy was out to create his own Iron Man-style battle armor.

This Is Stupid, But Wouldn’t It Be Fun If It Were True?

Last month, sheriff’s deputies in Richmond County, NC, caught the thief with the stolen goods in his car during a routine traffic stop. According to the arrest warrant, the goods in question include a metal kitchen sink, a metal chair, a metal desk, a metal medicine cabinet, ten metal window screens, and four overhead projectors. Nowhere in the report is it mentioned what sort of vehicle the criminal was driving, but it must’ve had some rather substantial cargo space.

With all those metal items, it seems rather obvious that the burglar was aiming to create a makeshift Iron Man suit. Kitchen sinks, chairs, and other such items are often made from steel or stainless steel stampings, which are fairly heavy-duty pieces of metal punched out in the desired shape, cookie cutter-style. The metal in the stolen items would likely be quite thick and heavy, making them ideal for reuse in protective armor.

The perp's workshop, probably.

The perp’s workshop, probably.

The window screens would be perfect eye hole covering—the crook’s armor would need viewports in the helmet, but he likely wouldn’t want to leave his eyes exposed. Slap some pieces of metal screen over the open space, and you could see out just fine while still protecting your eyeballs. Carefully cut pieces or strips of screen could also be used as a sort of chain mail under the armored suit, or at least in the gaps between the armor pieces. It’s flexible, but durable, and made of metal, so it could stop or deflect a wide range of attacks.

Partially disassembled overhead projectors could be used as substitutes for the laser blaster thingies in the “real” Iron Man’s suit. The thief most likely doesn’t know how to build laser weapons himself (if he did, he probably wouldn’t have to be a burglar because he’d be rich), but the bright, highly focused lights would at least make a good visual stand-in for laser beams. Were I cobbling together a half-@$$ed Iron Man from these components, I’d put one projector light on each hand, one in the chest plate to mimic the arc reactor from the comics and movies, and one on top of the helmet, pointing forward, to help me see.

That one dude hauled all of these objects out on his own suggests that he’s pretty strong, which would also be necessary for a real-life Iron Man—that suit’s gotta be pretty heavy.

The perp was held on $6,000 bond (five grand for the larceny charges, and an extra $1,000 for resisting arrest). He was released on bail a day later. His reign of supervillainy is likely to begin any day now.

Photo credit: gordontarpley / Foter / CC BY

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