Can ≠ Should: Mercedes to Launch Pickup Truck

Those wacky Germans at Mercedes-Benz have announced plans to launch a luxury pickup truck model by 2020. I have seen the future, and the future is stupid.

Like Gucci Steel-Toed Work Boots

Currently, Mercedes is planning to sell the new, wholly unnecessary luxury pickup in Europe, Latin America, Australia, and South America, with no plans to make the model available in the United States. Which just means that the American drivers you will inevitably see driving it (and who will doubtlessly have no actual use for a truck) will be that much more pretentious and awful: they had that $#!t imported.

Like the Cadillac Escalade EXT and Lincolns Blackwood and Mark LT before it, the upcoming Mercedes-Benz pickup will blend glorious luxury with significant payload and hauling capabilities. Which is perfect for all those times when you need to load up some railroad ties on your way to the opera.

Carhartt does not make tuxedos. Louis Vuitton does not design tool belts. Grey Goose does not brew malt liquor. Similarly, the opulence of luxury car brands and the utilitarian nature of the pickup truck just do not go together. If you have the scratch to afford a Benz, you most likely have no reason to be doing manual labor. If you actually need a truck for its actual trucking abilities, you most likely won’t want a luxury version that will get all jacked up by hard workin’. There is no Venn diagram here, just two non-overlapping circles.

Actually, if the Benz pickup is classy lookin' like this, I'm all for it.

Actually, if the Benz pickup is classy lookin’ like this, I’m all for it.

Number 3 with A Bullet

Mercedes-Benz’s parent company, Daimler, hopes their entry into the pickup truck market will mark a successful continuation of the brand’s sterling reputation. In recent years, Mercedes and fellow German luxury automakers have been making ingresses into sales segments usually dominated by non-luxury competitors.

Ford is the world’s number one selling truck brand; Mercedes is the world’s third-largest luxury car manufacturer. This writer predicts that a Benz pickup will not make a dent in Ford’s business, nor will it boost Mercedes into the top spot in its class.

“The Mercedes-Benz pickup will contribute nicely to our global growth targets,” Daimler CEO and probable bratwurst enthusiast Dieter Zetsche said in a statement. “We enter this segment with our distinctive brand identity and all of the vehicle attributes that are typical of the brand with regard to safety, comfort, powertrains, and value.”

Common sense is clearly not a vehicle attribute.

Photo credit: Michiel2005 / Foter / CC BY

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